There is a darkness inside my soul. I do not know when it first began only that I feel it now. It is a deep presence inside of my body and I do not know how to quench it. It is small at times and at other times, it is raging like a forest fire and threatening to consume me. I have noticed that it mostly comes out when I feel tackled or when I feel opposed mainly by the ones I love. They cannot help it, I know. They look at me and they see the girl who has lost her way, they see the girl who does not know what she wants to do with her life. They look at me and they see all they would not like to become.
Is it my fault? Did I choose to be this way? Did I choose to be utterly confused and not be anybody’s object of envy? That’s the thing about life though, you cannot please everyone. They tell you to live an enviable life but really, what does envy do? According to my beliefs, envy can even help someone bring you down. Envy can become an evil eye that helps in your destruction. Envy can snatch you from the highest pinnacle of your life right before you reach it.
So, maybe I don’t want to live an enviable life. Maybe I just want to be happy. Maybe I want to live with people who make me happy and maybe if I cannot have that, I would rather live alone.
Don’t look at me and see what you want me to be. Don’t look at me and see what you want. Don’t look at me and see what you think I am. Look at me and see me. I love you, I love you and I am just a girl who is staying under this persistent cloud of darkness, who is carrying around this ball of darkness in my soul. I am just a girl, sitting around, waiting for you to love me, waiting for happiness.