Lonely is just one word chosen to represent so much
To tell of feelings inside that the senses cannot touch
Lonely can be in the teardrops on a bereaved person’s cheek
Lonely can be in the silence of sorrows too deep to speak
Lonely can haunt a deserted room that laughter once made proud
Lonely surrounds you when you’re alone or finds you in a crowd
Lonely is heard in echoed footsteps of a departing friend
Lonely penetrates the solitude of nights that will not end
Lonely will not listen to the pleadings of a broken heart
Lonely stays and torments until new Love shatters it apart
~ Lonely is Just a Word by Mary Havran || Taken from www.poemhunter.com
I originally wrote this for another blog but I decided to rewrite it.
Tinu had lacked love all her life. She did not get love from her parents or her siblings. Her parents were always busy chasing money and believed that as long as you were fed and your school fees were paid, you had to be perfectly happy and had no cause for complaint. It was a good philosophy but it was not a good one for Tinu. Once, she had rebelled and when her mother got angry, she had asked her with tears in her eyes, like she really couldn’t understand,
“You have food, you have clothes, and you have everything you want, why do you choose to be this way? Why do you not appreciate things?”
Tinu had been truly baffled but she had not known how to make her understand.
Tinu was and had always been a child who craved love. She was a child who wanted to be pulled close, kissed on the forehead and be loved so much that she would never have to doubt the love. She was obsessed with love. She was the kid you would see curled up on the couch, reading a romance novel.
Tinu had done well in school; she had passed all her exams if only to hear her parents say that they loved her. That was all she wanted to hear. She did all they said and took their harsh words and stored it somewhere, forgave it all only just to hear those words from them. But as Tinu grew older, she got wiser and realized that it would never come. Her parents did not know how to love her; they only knew how rain curses on her.
Her father sometimes came home and transferred aggression onto his family. He would see a hair or a feather out of place and start to scream.
“You like to play too much! You shouldn’t have any friends! Did anyone come into this house? Did you read today? Who left the TV on? You stupid children, you’re too wasteful. How can you be so useless? ”
He asked questions and didn’t wait for answers. He helped his children retire into themselves.
More than once, Tinu had wondered why she hadn’t just died in place of her twin. It would have been easier, she would never have existed in fact. Everyone would be happy. Her mother often said, when Tinu refused to do something she knew she would regret, how she wished the other girl had stayed. Tinu doubted if even she would have come out unscathed.
The first time Tinu knew that her parents were disappointed in her as a child despite all she had achieved was when instead of the words “stupid, foolish, useless”, her mother told her she wished she never gave birth to her. Her heart broke but she had managed to brush it off. She remembered saying something sassy and sarcastic and her mother didn’t speak to her for two weeks. From then on, Tinu knew she would not get love from inside and so she took her love outside. She sought her love among the boys that would wink at her or whisper sweet words into her ears when the teacher was talking about differential equations or the reproductive system.
Her first boyfriend came around when she was twelve. He was the talk of the entire school, popular, handsome and oh so tall, just the way she liked them. He was her every fantasy rolled up into one and he adored her.
She thought he adored her.
The first day she kissed him, school was over for the day and she was about leave for home when he told her to escort him to the back of the school. She followed and as she was looking around for the reason he took her there, he kissed her. It was only a light touch of the lips but it felt really good. She knew she wanted to do it again. He had smiled at her after. Two weeks later, she had switched schools. She had screamed and cried but her father had ended the matter.
“Enough!” he had said, “You’re going to that new school and that is it!”
She was heartbroken and knew she would never love again. She did love.
She was fifteen and he was also tall but fair skinned. After him, she grew to hate fair skinned guys. She gave him everything she had to give. He told her he loved her every chance he got. He even told her while he begged her to spread her legs for him.
“Just the tip.” he had begged. He had chanted it like a song until she felt the fullness and the incredible pain. She was lucky it didn’t lead to a pregnancy.
“Is this what they call rape?” she had debated with herself even as she knew she had let him because she had never pushed him away. It did not feel good. She had drifted away from him after and the shame would not let her do anything else with boys apart from kissing. She soon learnt to kiss well.
Then she met him. The one she thought would change her life. She had just gained admission into the university and they were in the same class. He was dark and he was not so tall. She was certain he would not break her heart. It wasn’t long before she found out he was in a serious relationship and he did not mind dating her along with his ‘serious girlfriend’. She, who had been searching for love, had no objections and soon they were in a relationship. For the first time in her life, she was contented; she had finally found love. She was certain he would also fall in love with her, leave his girlfriend and live happily ever after with her.
If you enjoyed it and would like to read the second part, please let me know in the comments section below!